How I Removed My Own Face From My Head
To avoid facial recognition, I surgically removed my own face off of my head. Here’s how to do it.
(Reading by Aria, Microsoft Text-To-Speech)
Author Note: This article is about physically detaching your face from your head. For how to remove your face from the internet, see my other article How I Removed My Profile Pic from Sydex and Alumnius.
In response to the increasing prevalence of privacy-encroaching facial recognition systems, I have been brainstorming ways to protect my face.
Some less-invasive techniques include “anti-recognition” makeup and haircuts, or the ol’ “lift your shirt over your face” maneuver, but none of them are as effective at thwarting facial recognition as totally, permanently, surgically removing your own face off of your head and sticking it in a jar.
If your face has sentimental value, you can preserve it in formaldehyde or phenoxyethanol, or if you’re living a chemical free lifestyle, lavender essential oil.
Benefits Of Removing Your Face
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Avoid face-to-face meetings. Not having a face is the ultimate excuse.
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Macy’s, Walmart, and the NBA will no longer be able to search for photos of your face across the internet without your permission.
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Avoid social contact. Without a face, your friends will finally leave you alone so you can browse 4chan all day without interruptions.
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Be able to protest for Black Lives Matter without being mass face-scanned, matched with your Facebook photos, and arrested on a bench warrant.
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Amazon will no longer sell your face to police, and will go back to just being that company that sells books, and for some reason a $7 adult toy in discreet packaging with free overnight shipping, as things should be.
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It will no longer matter whether you are part of the half of Americans whose face is already in a recognition database.
Drawbacks Of Removing Your Face
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There is a 2-4 week recovery period while your skin grows/crawls back over where your face used to be. There’s a product called “New-Skin Liquid Bandage” that can help somewhat.
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Your loved ones may complain that they “don’t know who you are anymore”, so take some photos with your face intact before you remove it. Be sure to use an old-fashioned Polaroid film camera, as digital cameras upload your face to the NSA, and the people who develop film at CVS secretly send copies to the Chinese government.
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You will no longer be auto-tagged on Facebook. These modern luxuries are hard to give up, I know.
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It will be harder to find love. Most people pass over you on Tinder if you don’t have a face. If only they knew what a Nice Guy I am.
How To Remove Your Face
Removing your face isn’t that much harder than removing your fingerprints, though you will want to use local anesthetic generously. If you’re confused about where to start, Richard has put together a fantastic in-depth tutorial that you couldn’t get from any other guy.
Alternatives
There are several alternatives to removing your face, but none of them are particularly practical.
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Survivalism. Live only off the land, as Mother Nature intended. Or not.
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Be not white. Facial recognition services have more trouble correctly identifying dark-skinned people. Though being black during facial recognition can backfire and get your passport application rejected.
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Have no secrets and no opinions. Nothing to hide, nothing to fear. If you’re part of the shockingly large group of Americans who don’t care if Sammy from the NSA watches them poop and boink and dress up like a french maid, this might be a good alternative.
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Move to California, Illinois, or the EU, and keep a list of new facial recognition startups to send legal removal requests to. Start by submitting an opt-out request to Clearview.ai here. If you don’t live in one of those places, tough luck. Your face belongs to the shareholders now.
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Become a furry. If you wear a neon green honey badger suit in public all the time, nobody will be able to see your face. As a bonus, nobody will want to talk to you, either.
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Become a congressperson. Then, when face recognition algorithms mistakenly incriminate you, everyone can just have a hearty laugh about it.
Conclusion
Surprising or not, the feeling of loss after I removed my face only lasted for about a month. I can still drink my vegan gluten-free boba tea, and even suck the little tapioca balls thru my face-hole. That makes me a very happy non-gender-binary individual.
If you want woke leftist superpowers like me, the kind that normies can only dream of, watch the Last Week Tonight episode on Face Recognition:
Remove your face today. Do it.
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